


Hold Onto Me I'm a Little Unsteady

by HeadStrongHeadLights



Series: We're All Suckers For Tragedies [2]
Category: X-Men - All Media Types
Genre: M/M, Mental Health Issues, Past Character Death, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sort of a character study
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-23
Updated: 2017-01-23
Packaged: 2018-09-19 10:49:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9436856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeadStrongHeadLights/pseuds/HeadStrongHeadLights
Summary: Armando catches his eye and smiles, like everything's okay. And Alex doesn't know how to tell him that everything is not okay, that he's not okay.





	

**Author's Note:**

> So. Instead of doing anything else i was supposed to be doing, I wrote this. Why? Because I wanted to hurt myself I guess. 
> 
> Normally, I don't care all that much about what's "canon" (that's a lie, I care way too much), and I know that there's comic canon and movie canon, but I absolutely refuses to accept Alex as the older brother. I don't really care if you do or not, but it bugs the hell out of me. So whenever I write anything that involves Scott, Scott is always going to be older. And yes, I'm using a fair amount of comic canon for Alex because I do know quite a bit of his backstory. And this thought just stuck with me that he got onto a plane after a traumatic experience when he was younger and then got into another plane crash and was completely fine. I know that we have no backstory for him in First Class (which is when I first started writing him) and Apocalypse pretty much confirmed that his parents are alive but I'm sticking with my bastardized version of canon. So. Yeah. This got really rambly. Sorry. 
> 
> Warnings: minor past character death. Discussion of mental health problems. Commas. 
> 
> Unbetaed. Was written on my phone. Any glaring mistakes feel free to let me know.

Nervous energy pulses underneath his sternum, making Alex fear that his mutation is flaring up until he feels the now familiar anxiety clutch his throat as he watches Armando approach him. A thousand things he wants to say to the older man cross his mind, but nothing can quite bridge the connection between his brain and his mouth. He knows that he must resemble a fish out of water but he can't quite make himself stop. Everything he's dying to tell the other man gets lodged somewhere in his throat and he just wants to puke. 

Armando catches his eye and smiles, like everything's okay. And Alex doesn't know how to tell him that everything is not okay, that he's not okay. 

So he turns tail and hides. 

Admittedly, he could've done a better job. But the bunker is slowly becoming the only place he feels safe. The anxiety rears its ugly head again, a little hotter this time, and he knows that it's spiking his mutation. The lack of sleep isn't really helping, but Alex doesn't even know where to begin to fix it. 

He and Armando finally started to (tentatively) date, and he can't bear the thought of unloading all of his emotional bullshit that he thought that he was over onto the older man. Realistically, he knows that he can. That he's allowed to. That it would be okay. He just, he can't. 

That's not who he is, how he was raised. Maybe, in his first home, with a kind mother and heroic father and caring-if-a-bit-overprotective big brother, he could've been, but not in the last one. They barely tolerated the traumatized child, unconsciously forcing him into the role that their first son had left behind. It wasn't that they didn't love him, he was almost sure that they did until the end, but their pain was too different and it caused too much friction. 

(Alex won't lie. A very small part of him blames them for him going to jail. They should've gotten him help instead of telling him to just get over it. He was supposed to be a carbon copy of the son they lost. Perfect children don't need silly things like therapy.) 

A knock on the door startles him. Before he can say anything, it being opened and Armando is coming in. He looks worried. Alex can't blame him. Only days before, they had basically confessed their love for each other, and then Alex has avoided him pretty much ever since. Not completely, but enough that he knew that the other man had to be questioning if Alex was sincere in wanting to be with him. And he was. He meant it with all his whole being. It's the only tangible thing he wants with all his heart. 

The anxiety flares up again, hurting his chest. His sleep deprivation is lowering his defenses. As much as he loves Armando, he isn't ready for the older man to see him at his weakest. Or his most dangerous. 

He draws his knees to his chest, breathing through the pain, as Armando shuts the door behind him and locks it. 

It only takes a few steps for him to be in front of the younger mutant, unafraid and collected. But Alex can see his worry when he looks into his eyes. 

A sudden flash of his mom, dark smoke behind her and unconcealed terror in her eyes, reaching out to him as he and Scott strap on the only parachute, crosses his mind. He flinches, unintentionally, and his back connects with the concrete behind him, grounding him in the present. 

Hurt crosses Armando's face, and Alex wants to take it away. He wants to, but he's already dangerously close to crying or burning him up, and he can't bring himself to take that risk. He should just expel the plasma, but it isn't at critical levels yet and he knows that he can control it with just a bit of time. 

"What's wrong, pretty boy?" Armando asks, quietly. It still echoes in the empty room, just a little too loud. He can't answer. The words still won't come. 

He reaches a hand out instead, grabbing Armando's tightly. He needs something to ground him so that he doesn't come flying apart at the seams. 

Alex focuses on the contrast in their skin tones, pale against dark. It's beautiful. It's theirs. It's real. He can't lose this like he's lost everything else he's ever cared about. He can't. 

He pulls Armando closer, needing a little more contact. The older man goes willingly, settling against the wall with him. After a moment of hesitation, Armando puts an arm around Alex's shoulders, holding him close. 

The panic in his chest is loosening, and he's breathing a little easier. He still can't talk but he knows that Armando won't push him. 

It's always taken him so fucking long to calm down from anxiety attacks. Alex is so grateful that he doesn't have them that often anymore. If he does, they usually aren't this severe. 

He leans into Armando, soaking in his strength and his warmth. The other man lets him, holding him that much closer and that much tighter. 

"Does this have anything to do with the plane crash on the news?" Armando asks, gentle but firm enough to let Alex know that he's not going to just let this go. He's referring to the crash that happened the day after they more or less confessed their love for each other. And yeah, that's pretty much when Alex's avoidant behavior started. He's just been a little unsteady. 

"It's been building up for a while, the news was just a catalyst," Alex answers honestly. His throat feels raw. He thinks back to falling through the air, screaming for his parents as Scott tried to hold on. He shudders, and curls in more to his boyfriend. He feels too exposed. He also feels like he owes Armando some kind of an explanation for his actions. He just. He just kind of blanks on what to say. 

"Do you want to talk about it?" 

The no that he desperately wants to say rests on the tip of his tongue, but he forces himself to nod yes. Armando stays quiet as Alex exhausts himself talking about the first crash that ripped apart his family. Listens intently as Alex details the confusion of being torn between being sad, angry, and numb all the fucking time with his adoptive family. His moods were always on such a hairpin trigger that it took nothing to set him off. He stumbles his way through the fight that put him in prison, a common place occurrence that escalated so far out of control that the other guy wound up in the morgue. 

Control was out of reach because he couldn't recall a specific time when he was in control. And it scares him because he doesn't want to be the reason for Armando's demise. He killed him once. He doesn't have a fucking clue as to what he would do if he did it again. But he can't sleep. His emotions rule his mutation more often than not, and he knows, he fucking KNOWS, that he's more prone to violence and anger on a lack of sleep. 

Cuba, the fucking hellstorm that was Cuba, brought back the nightmare. Only, it was interlaced with Armando's death. Some nights, it was so real that he could swear that he could taste the smoke and ash when he woke. Then he came back. And the nightmares tapered off enough that Alex could finally rest. A week ago, a plane crash on the news, a small plane crashing into a commercial jet, brought everything he was trying to bury right back to the surface. 

Armando waits up Alex is completely done, turning them so that they face each other. He moves his hands to Alex's face, wiping away the tears he didn't realize that he had shed. 

"Thank you," Darwin whispers, brushing a kiss against Alex's mouth. The younger mutant blinks at him, feeling confused and out of his depth. "I know that it was hard for you to tell me. Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me." 

Alex can feel the tears threatening to make a comeback but he holds them at bay. Instead, he kisses Armando. Day old stubble scratches his cheeks, but he doesn't care. The anxiety in his chest turns into love and he doesn't feel afraid of his mutation. Not entirely anyways. He doesn't think it will ever entirely leave. 

They sit in silence, wrapped up in each other, as Armando processes what Alex confessed to him. Finally, he breaks their quiet. 

"The nightmares? Do they happen often?" The older mutant asks. Alex shrugs. 

"Not usually. Well, not anymore. Until something triggers them. They haven't been bad for a long time." 

A thoughtful look crosses the older man's face. "Have they gotten worse?" He inquires. Alex shakes his head. 

"Not worse, just more unsettling." And unsettling they have been. The one for the night before included Shaw being the one to sabotage the plane and push Alex and Scott out without a parachute. He might've thrown up when he woke up because of the lingering image of Scott's mangled body on the ground. Yeah. Maybe it was more than a little unsettling. 

"Have you ever talked to anyone about this? Like a professional?" 

Alex can't stop the bitter bark of laughter. "Don't be ridiculous. My foster family refused to acknowledge there was anything wrong with me. And prisons doesn't really care about their prisoners."

Armando doesn't look surprised. Just sad. 

"You know that I'm here for you, right? No matter what?" Armando presses. Alex nods. His boyfriend doesn't look completely convinced but drops it. 

They stay down there a little while longer. Not doing or saying anything really. Mostly just reveling in the fact that they aren't completely alone anymore. They might not understand each other's struggles, but they can be a pillar of support when needed. Alex doesn't know if Armando feels the same way, but he knows as an absolute that he loves Armando. And that's really all he needs.

**Author's Note:**

> I have a lot of feels about this pairing still. I don't know anymore man, I don't know.


End file.
